How Do You Move On?
by ryanmarissaforever88
Summary: Ryan, not Marissa, died in season 3 finale- how she and others cope with the loss.
1. Chapter 1

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THE OC FANFICTION: HOW DO YOU MOVE ON?

Disclaimer: Own nothing- if I did, Marissa would be alive and happily together with Ryan and the OC would still be on tv.

Info: Ryan, not Marissa, died in season 3 finale- how she and others cope with the loss.This has Ryan/Marissa, but unlike my other fics, do not focus on the two of them. include the reactions of all the characters. This is the first chapter (this will be a story, not a one-shot), so if you like it and want me to continue, read and review!! Please review because the next chapter won't go up until I have at least a few reviews! I really like to know what you guys think. Thanks! :)

_ch. 1  
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Marissa climbed out of Ryan's flipped truck slowly, trying to avoid the sharp shards of glass underneath her. She look over expectantly, sure she would see Ryan fine, but instead saw Ryan with blood coming from his mouth and head. _"Oh, my god,"_ she thought,_ "Ryan!"_ Marissa could not believe this. Ryan couldn't be hurt, or..she couldn't even think about the other possibililty. He was Ryan, a tough Atwood from Chino. He wasn't supposed to be hurt. She rushed over to his side of the car and pulled him out slowly. He was unconsious, she noticed (or at least that's what she told herself that's what he was), and she dragged him as far from the wreck as she could. She had seen the dripping gas and knew that the whole car would soon be engulfed in flames and she had known that she had to get him as far away as she could. Marissa rummaged through her cell phone. Fumbling, she dialed home. Julie answered. "Marissa, honey? Shouldn't you be-"'

"Mom!" Marissa interrupted, sobbing softly. "We had an accident."

* * *

Julie dialed 9-1-1 as soon as she hung up with Marissa, telling her to try and keep him awake and she would call for help. Frantically, she told the operator the few details she had received from her daughter. She thanked God that Marissa had not been severely hurt, but Julie was still extremely worried. She always knew that Volchok was no good. And while she had not liked Ryan at first, after she saw DJ and Alex and Volchok, she knew that Ryan was best for her daughter. He loved her and always took care of her. So, yes, she was worried about what it would do to Marissa if Ryan...didn't make it. Plus, Kirsten was her best friend and Ryan was her son. Seth and Sandy and Kirsten regarded Ryan as their family. She hated to think what this could do to them. How was she supposed to tell them this? She shakily dialed the Cohens' number.

* * *

Flashing lights soon appeared around the bend and Marissa was still holding Ryan, trying to wake him up. "Oh, God, Ryan. He was after me, it should be me. You've got to be okay.." she whispered, over and over again. "Please..." He didn't stir.

* * *

"So, Seth, what're your plans now that you're a high school graduate?" Sandy asked as walked into the kitchen to find Seth grabbing a snack.

"Yes, Seth," Kirsten interjected, "Just because you have a diploma on your wall now doesn't mean you can spoil your dinner. No more snacking." She smiled as she took away his bagel.

"Mom! Bagel! Mine!" Seth protested and Kirsten gave up, handing it back to him. He smiled. "Um, I was thinking that when Ryan gets back, we can have our first session of Seth/Ryan Time: High School Graduates. As opposed to plain old Seth/Ryan time. I mean, come on, that's so last night."

Sandy chuckled. "Okay, Seth."

The phone rang. "I'll get it." Kirsten said. "It's probably Julie about the NewMatch." she sighed. "The work never stops, huh?" She smiled. "Hello? Hi Julie! I was just thinking about some new promotion ideas and-" Kirsten stopped short as Julie interrupted her. "What?? Oh, God. We'll be right down there." She hung up.

Sandy and Seth exchanged skeptical glances behind Kirsten's back, wondering what was so important that they had to rush out. Kirsten turned around slowly and steadied herself against the counter. "Seth/Ryan time might have to wait." she said slowly. "Ryan's been in an accident. Marissa's okay but he's..serious."

* * *

Julie Cooper, Marissa and Kaitlin Cooper, Summer Roberts and Seth Cohen along with Kirsten and Sandy Cohen were all sitting in a tense, worried silence in the hospital waiting room. Marissa was crying from the shock of it all, and Kirsten was on the verge of tears just sitting there. Julie rubbed Marissa's back and Summer tried to console everybody. "I'm sure he'll be okay, you guys. Chino is tough. He can handle this."

Marissa sniffled and gave Summer a weak smile, who then turned to her boyfriend to comfort him. Sandy was trying to be strong for Kirsten, but he was every bit as upset and worried as she was.

A few minutes later a doctor appeared. "Ryan Atwood?" he asked questioningly. Sandy and Kirsten sprang to their feet, as did Marissa who rushed over to him, begging him with her eyes to give them good news. Seth remained frozen in his seat, afraid of what the doctor would say next.

"We're his legal guardians." Sandy answered immediately. It sounded way too formal, he decided, so cold, to say that rather than "parents," but he didn't want to have to go through the hassle of explaining the legalities of why one of their sons had a different last name than the three of them.

The doctor nodded and glanced around at everybody. "I'm very sorry..." Marissa broke down at his words and the others were clinging to each other as he continued to tell them exactly what had happened to Ryan, and that despite their best efforts, they had lost him. Lost? Why do they keep saying lost?? He wasn't lost! Marissa knew exactly where he was, she just couldn't get to him. _Damn it,_ she thought as she sobbed.

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"We are very sorry to inform you that.." the doctor, in Seth's opinion, sounded just like his rejection letter from Brown. More closed doors and future opportunities. More memories that will now never be experienced. But this was more than just realizing that he hadn't gotten into Brown. This was realizing that his best friend, his brother, was dead. Gone. And yet, none of this mattered to the doctor. He'd still go home at the end of the night without thinking about those whose lives had been forever touched by his apathetic delivery of what was, to them, earth-shattering, heart-breaking news. He wouldn't have to feel that aching pain at somebody's absense every morning, afternoon and night. He could care less._"That bastard." _Seth thought. It wasn't just another faceless patient. He was Ryan. Ryan! And now, he was gone. Gone. Forever.

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	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Own nothing- if I did, Marissa would be alive and happily together with Ryan and the OC would still be on tv.

Info: Ryan, not Marissa, died in season 3 finale- how she and others cope with the loss.This has Ryan/Marissa, but unlike my other fics, does not necessarily focus on the two of them. include the reactions of all the characters.

Author's Note: Okay, usually I put the thoughts in italics, but this is really screwed up right now and I want to upload it..so, in this chapter, thoughts are not italicized. Thanks. R&R!

ch. 2

_"It hurts the most when you can actually feel your heart breaking."_

Marissa couldn't believe that she could possibly feel like this. She could feel her heart breaking as the doctor rambled on about how hard they had tried to revive him but that he was too far gone at that point. Marissa swore that her heart stopped for a second when she heard the doctor say "I'm very sorry.." as she tuned out the rest, only feeling the intense pain searing through her heart as she realized that Ryan was gone and never coming back. No more chances for them. She'd never see him again, she'd never again lie in his arms..Marissa's mind ran wild with thinking about everything that she could never do again with Ryan. "Oh God," she thought as she began to sob, "I miss him already."

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Kirsten's mind was blank. She legitimately could not process the fact that the doctor had just told them that one of her sons was dead. Because it couldn't possibly be true. "Ryan's strong," she thought, "how could this happen?" A moment later, the understanding of her loss hit her and she broke down into Sandy's arms. She had, however reluctantly, welcomed their home to him and she was grateful every single day that Sandy was right about Ryan and that he fit into the family so well from the very beginning. And now, her mind was flashing by thousands of pictures of holidays and birthdays and parties and occasions that Ryan had missed because it was before he came into their lives, and the thousands of pictures of holidays and birthdays and parties and occasions that Ryan would miss because he was taken too quickly from their lives. Her mind was working on overdrive to think about everything that they would never experience with Ryan. He would never feel that exhilarating feeling, she realized, of stepping onto campus for the first time as an independent young adult. He would never graduate college. He would never marry and find the delights of children. It seemed impossible that only a moment ago, Kirsten's mind couldn't even process this news, and now, that was all it was doing. God, she wished she could go back to the numbness. Because realizing these things hurt her not only emotionally and mentally, but physically. She ached at the loss of her son. Because that was what Ryan was to Kirsten. Her son. And that's what he would always be to her.

_"There comes a certain moment where it finally hits you and the pain you feel in that one instant is more than you could have ever thought possible. And you know that you will have to live with it forever, that it's not going away any time soon, because it will be there as long as they aren't."_

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There is nothing worse than the painful irony of being told that, aside from the scrapes and bruises that accompany any car crash, you are completely fine and free to go while you just watched the man you love being taken away to the morgue, Marissa decided. "How could this have happened??" She kept asking herself. "If we had just pulled over..but Ryan was right, there was no where to pull over. And now," the tears streamed down her face freely again as the loss hit her all over again, "he's gone, and it's all my fault. Volchok wanted me. He wanted me..and Ryan paid for it by trying to protect me, as always." She sighed, wiping her tears. She couldn't let the Cohens see her like this. Returning slowly from the coffee machine, she went back to the waiting room where everybody still sat, trying to process their shared loss.

* * *

Sandy Cohen was heartbroken. He had found Ryan in a horrible situation, and out of it, he gained an incredible son of whom he was so amazingly proud. Ryan was planning on attending Sandy and Kirsten's alma mater, and he was so excited and proud that Ryan would have that experience, just as he had. Sandy knew the moment he met Ryan that Ryan had great potential. He talked back to Sandy and was witty and on top of the conversation and Sandy had, quite honestly, been surprised. Which was nothing compared to a moment later when he saw Ryan's test scores. Ryan was really, really smart, Sandy had realized. And so he took the chance of inviting Ryan into their home, and not once had he ever regretted it. Every day, he was grateful that it had been him assigned to Ryan's case and not some other cheap, apathetic lawyer who would have left him to sit on the curb with his bike and wind up back in jeuvie before the week was out. Every day he was glad that Ryan was their son. And now, he couldn't believe how quickly that had been taken away from them. How quickly Ryan had been taken away from them. One minute, he's informing Sandy and Kirsten and Seth as he hurries out the door that he'll be back for dinner but he has to go drop off Marissa at the air port, and seemingly the next, they were contemplating life without him. They had spent fifteen years with something missing from their family and had never known what- until they met Ryan. Ryan completed them and he was completely a part of the family. And now they were thinking about what they'd have to do without him. "Life is just so cruel, sometimes." Sandy thought to himself.

* * *

Still sitting in the waiting room trying to understand, Kirsten was wiping her tears when she gasped. "Oh, my God! Dawn!" It was so easy to forget that Ryan had a real family out there, that it had never occured to any of them to call Dawn.

She was still in town from graduation. "God," Kirsten thought, "Was graduation really only yesterday??" She couldn't believe it. Yesterday, they had all been so happy, so excited about life and possibilities, and now, they were mourning the loss of their beloved Ryan.

Dawn arrived twenty minutes later, desperate. Kirsten hadn't told her the news over the phone, just telling her to come down immediately- and that it was about Ryan. Dawn was frantic. "What happened?" she kept asking, panicked. "Where's Ryan?? How is he??" She repeated over and over.

Sandy stood behind Kirsten and squeezed her shoulder for support. "Ryan was driving Marissa to the airport so she could catch her flight to Greece," Kirsten began, "and another driver ran him off the road." She wiped her tears furiously before continuing. "The car flipped multiple times and Ryan was severely injured," Kirsten sniffled. "Marissa pulled him out and called for help before the car caught fire, but he was rushed into a long surgery immediately. They worked on him for a long time, but..his body couldn't handle it."

Dawn asked softly and disbelievingly, "He's gone?"

Kirsten and Sandy nodded. "He's gone??" She repeated. Looking over, she saw Marissa slumped over in a chair, sobbing quietly. Dawn knew who she was instantly and so she walked over to Marissa as she burst into tears. "This is all your fault, Marissa! He's gone because of you!!" she sobbed. "He loved you more than anything, and now he's gone because you just had to run away to Greece!! He would've done anything," she sniffled, "for you and now he's gone."

Marissa was now hysterical and her sobbing had a renewed energy. As though it weren't enough that she had to lose the love of her life, now his mother was blaming her entirely, and in Marissa's mind, rightly so. But that didn't make it any less devastating. Dawn had fallen into a nearby chair, sobbing. "He was my only hope.." Because while Dawn might have been an ignoring, alcoholic mother when Ryan was younger, she loved him more than anything in the world and his death devastated her because she was his only hope for the future. He make something of himself. Do things that she could never afford to do. He would have a nice life and be successful and happy. He was her entire world.

And now, he was gone.

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Read and Review!! Thanks!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Own nothing- if I did, Marissa would be alive and happily together with Ryan and the OC would still be on tv.

Info: Ryan, not Marissa, died in season 3 finale- how she and others cope with the loss.This has Ryan/Marissa, but unlike my other fics, does not necessarily focus on the two of them. include the reactions of all the characters.

Author's Note: The time frame here is a little ambiguous..a few days has passed since the accident but Ryan's funeral has not happened yet. Just thought I'd put that out there. And also, thoughts are not in italics in this chapter because..the thingie was messed up and would NOT work. So it usually says "he thought" or "she thought". Sorry! Read & Review!

ch. 3

"And perhaps the most painful thought of all is that I failed you. That fact haunts me everywhere I go, staring me in the face. I can't escape it..the pain of losing you has broken my heart and I can't escape it..no matter how hard I try."

Dawn felt empty. Her reason for living was gone. She was painfully aware that she had been a terrible mother, but she had tried so, so hard to get better and to make Ryan proud by getting her life together. She loved Ryan more than herself and she knew that he was extremely smart and do great things and that was all she wanted for him. To have that life that she could never have. Because he meant more to her than anything. But she had failed him and he was gone now..and it was almost too much to bear.

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" Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."

Seth never had a real friend before Ryan. He was always the geek, the nerd, the invisible guy, the water polo team's punching bag. But never a person, a friend. And then in walked Ryan with a shy "Hey." All Seth did was ask if Ryan wanted to play him at his video games, and he was down on the floor, swooping around like ninjas. Only a short while after meeting Seth, Ryan saved him from the water polo players. Sure, they were both taken down, but Seth could have been a lot worse off had Ryan not been there. Their friendship soon became invaluable to Seth as he finally found someone he could talk to, someone he would hang out with. A brother. Ryan had always been there for Seth since the first day they met, and now his absense was all that Seth could notice. There was a hole in the world..the poolhouse was empty, his chair at the dinner table was empty, the place where he always sat during Seth/Ryan time in Seth's room was empty..and Seth was trying his best to skirt around the absense of his best friend, to keep busy during the day to stop himself from thinking about it. But it was at night when the silence would become so pronounced it deafened him and his heart ached because he missed his buddy. He missed his brother so damn much.

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"Take a look at what you have. Think of all you did to get it. Remember it only takes one second to lose."

Kirsten has come to the conclusion that she never fully appreciated how incredible her life had been these last few years. She had a great husband and two incredible sons. They were happy, really happy. They had worked so hard to get everything to the way it had been with Ryan and he was finally a real part of the family..but it never occured to Kirsten that she could lose it all so quickly. One moment, Ryan was excusing himself and giving her a quick peck on the cheek as he explained that he was dropping Marissa off at the airport, but that he would be back for dinner, and the next the doctor was informing them that they had lost Ryan. It was all so quick, almost as if she could have blinked and missed it. And things would never be the same as they were. Things would never be the same as they were before Ryan. That saying, ignorance is bliss, has so much weight in this situation. Before they met Ryan, for the most part, they had been happy. But now that they had had him, they would always notice his absense now. The life that she had loved was all gone before you could say "Goodbye."

* * *

Knock, knock. The sound of someone rapping on the door floated into the room. "Coop?" Summer opened the door slightly and stuck her head in. "You ready?" she asked softly.

Marissa was sitting on her bed silently thinking to herself that it could be so tragically possible that days ago she had graduated from high school and was hoping beyond hope that she and Ryan could talk and now she was sitting on her bed in a beautiful black dress and coat and heels with stockings. She looked great. She asked herself why she looked so good, it was just her ex-boyfriends funeral. And then the denial faded. Ryan wasn't just Marissa's ex-boyfriend. He was the love of her life. He still is.

"Yeah, Sum." Marissa got up slowly and sighed. "No, I'm not ready," she thought as she followed Summer out the door,

"I will never be ready to say goodbye to Ryan. Especially when it's my fault he's gone."

* * *

"Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. That doesn't mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. But sometimes goodbye is the most painful way to say I love you."

Sandy looked at himself in the mirror. He straightened his tie and cleared his throat, trying to hold back the memories of when he had first shown Ryan how to tie a tie. He couldn't think about that right now, or he wouldn't be able to keep himself together."God," he thought, "I can't believe what I'm now on my way to do. I can't bury my son.." He sighed. Ryan was his son. That was all there was to it.

Walking to the bathroom door, he knocked. "Kirsten? You ready?" He asked through the door.

Silence greeted him as his question went unanswered. A moment later, the bathroom door opened slowly and Kirsten stepped out. She looked good, wearing a modest black dress and coat and high heels. She certainly looked as good as could possibly be expected of her at the moment. "Let's go." It was causing her so much pain to even think about putting Ryan to his final resting place, but she knew it had to be done. "Let's get Seth."

* * *

"It's really painful to say goodbye to someone else that you don't want to let go, but it's even more painful when as much as you can't bear to let them go, you have to because they're already gone."

Seth was lying down on his bed stroking Captain Oats. "I don't think I can do this." He said honestly to his confidante. But as great as Captain Oats was, now that Seth had had Ryan, it would never be the same. He looked into the big eyes of the horse and sighed, knowing he had to go. The sound of a gentle knock rang through the room and Seth slowly sat up, put down Captain Oats and smoothed out his black suit as he stood up. Opening the door, he nodded silently to greet his parents, feeling that at this point, speaking would hurt too much.

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Many people showed up at the funeral to pay their respects to Ryan and the Cohen family. Even some of the Newpsies showed up, surprisingly enough. The service was beautiful, and they had all just arrived at the graveyard. The priest was saying some final words when Marissa stepped foward silently, gazing intently at the ground. The Cohens had asked her to speak, and she had agreed even know she knew how hard it would be for her. Stepping up in front of everybody, she made no attempt to put up a fake smile as though everything were alright because nothing was right any more and it was no longer even worth pretending. "Ryan was a very special person," she began quietly. "He had an extremely rough childhood, but it only made him more tough. When he arrived here in Newport the first night, I met him at the end of the Cohen's driveway. I knew he was different. I asked him who he was and received a corny 'Whoever you want me to be' in response. When I asked him what he was doing here, he told me that his brother had stolen a car but was in jail and Mr. Cohen had taken him in. I just thought he was the cousin from Boston."

Everyone was listening deeply, watching as hot tears rolled down Marissa's cheeks, burning them. She made no move to wipe them away, only kept talking. "Ryan and I went through a lot together, and apart. But no matter what had happened, no matter what I had done, he was always, always, there for me. To save me, to protect me. He was incredible. He was smart and caring and reliable and he was everything to me. And I could go on for hours, talking about every incredible little detail I knew about him, but I don't want to take up too much time." She gave a weak smile at her audience. "We all loved Ryan very much and will miss him terribly. He will be in our hearts forever. I will always remember him as the boy who saved my life with just a shy 'Hey.'"

Marissa finished and walked back to her spot next to the Cohens. She was still crying softly, but she had said her piece. She knew others had viewed Ryan different ways, but he was her savior. Seth squeezed her soulder gently, reassuringly. He was having a rough time himself, but he also had an arm around a crying Summer. He caught Marissa's eye and saw that the painful sadness that he felt all the time was reflected back in her eyes. They both could feel what the message was. "Things will never be the same."

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A lone figure stood in the back of the graveyard, watching as the coffin was lowered into the ground. Volchok hadn't been caught, he had driven away in a fury, but all he could think about was the fact that he had most likely killed Ryan. And he had. Volchok hadn't liked Ryan, but he really cared for Marissa and would never want to hurt her, physically or emotionally. But he had never wanted to kill Ryan. But he had. "Damn it." he thought to himself as he stood there focusing on Marissa slouching over in defeat, sobbing onto her mother's shoulder. The guilt was really getting to him.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Own nothing- if I did, Marissa would be alive and happily together with Ryan and the OC would still be on tv.

Info: Ryan, not Marissa, died in season 3 finale- how she and others cope with the loss.This has Ryan/Marissa, but unlike my other fics, does not necessarily focus on the two of them. include the reactions of all the characters.

Author's Note: Read/Review. Oh, and sorry it took me so long to update!  


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_"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." -- Harriet Beecher Stowe  
_

Sitting alone on her bed back home, Dawn was devastated. She couldn't do anything, her heart ached too much. She couldn't see her boyfriend because she preferred to be alone these days. She couldn't go to work, where she would have to face her locker full of Ryan's pictures and memories. There were so many things she should have done, so many things she should have said. She wished that she could tell him one last time that she loved him, just to make sure he knew. She dreamt of his smile when he had graduated. He was so happy. Oh, god, she was so proud of him. The first Atwood to graduate high school and go to college. He had stayed away from drinking and drugs as he witnessed their part in the downfalls of his loved ones. He was caring and kind and smart and protective. He was always the good one. Trey had always gotten into fights, always drank and partied, fooled around with drugs and girls. But Ryan was the good one. Rather than sneaking into a bar or some party, he would go watch a movie at Theresa's house. But he stayed away from Trey's crowd and Dawn knew that he could be so much better than the rest of them, that Ryan had real potential. Which was why Dawn reacted so badly when Ryan got arrested. Her good son had commited a crime and been arrested. Her last hope was gone. She was now a complete failure as a mother. She knew that she had screwed up with Trey, but she'd hoped that she'd done better with Ryan. So when Ryan got arrested, she didn't want any reminders of the failure she was as a mother. So she left. And she missed him terribly. And now, there was nothing she regretted more than leaving.

She had just wanted him to be happy and for him to be proud of her. She had straightened out her life and was benefiting greatly. Everything was great for once, and then all of a sudden, her reason for living, her reason for hope, her little boy, was gone.

_"I'm gonna try and say goodbye without losing it."_

_ "How about we don't say goodbye, say..see you soon?"_

_"See you soon?"_

_ "See you soon."_

_"See you soon, babe. Love you."_

_ "Alright, love you too."  
_

If only she had known that would be the last time she would ever speak to him. To see him alive. To hug her son. If only she had stayed with him a little longer. If only they'd had more time.  


* * *

"I'm sorry, Daddy. I just..can't go." Jimmy sighed. He felt terrible that his daughter was having such a tough time and he couldn't do anything to help. He had really liked Ryan and was quite upset that he had passed, but didn't really know how to react.

"I know, sweetheart. It's perfectly alright." As soon as Jimmy had heard the news from a distraught and crying Julie over the phone, he knew that his daughter wouldn't be coming to see him. He didn't hold it against her in the least and understood why she couldn't leave home right now. He didn't expect her to come but had pushed back her arrival date just in case, and had called to check when she started telling him that she couldn't.

"Thank you..I'm really sorry.." Marissa sniffled. "I was so excited to go, but I just can't now."

"It's okay, baby. I know how hard of a time it is for everyone right now."

"Dad?" Marissa asked tentatively through her tears.

"Yes?"

"I want to go to Berkeley."

Jimmy was surprised. "Are you sure, Mariss?"

"I need to go. It was going to be our school. The fact that I can't bring myself to leave home for Greece right now is a sign that Ryan wants me to go to Berkeley, even if he.." Sniffle. "Can't be there..It's best for me, really, Daddy." She sighed.

"Anything for you, honey. Bye Mariss."

Marissa hung up the phone and wiped her eyes. Sitting on her bed, she had no clue whatsoever how she would make it at Berkeley without Ryan. But she felt like she was supposed to go. God, she missed Ryan.  


* * *

Something was seriously wrong in the Cohen house when the basket full of bagels every morning went untouched. And these days, something was always seriously wrong. Because some_one_ was always missing and there was nothing they could do about it. They all had their various ways of coping with that knowledge. Seth had taken to moping around the house in his robe and refusing to play any video games he had played with Ryan (which were quite a few), regardless of how much he liked them. He liked to maintain the knowledge that the last time he had played those games, his best friend had been right next to him, focused entirely on killing those evil ninjas who seemingly came out of nowhere. Sandy had been spending especially long hours at the office, fighting particularly hard on the cases he was given but trying not to cry when one of his cases was a young, dirty-blond haired boy who had stolen a car and was particularly obnoxious to Sandy. Kirsten had become a force to be reckoned with, always on the move, always somewhere to go, something to do, somebody to order around. And so, while Kirsten attempted to deny the obvious that they were all devastated, attempted to keep up her early morning routine with buying bagels, nobody had the stomach to touch them, knowing that their schmearing buddy wasn't there anymore.

The poolhouse had remained completely untouched. The sheets were still crinkled and folded down from when Ryan had awoken that morning, his toiletries were still all over the counter, his jeans thrown over the chair and his sneakers in the corner where he had thrown them off. Ryan was usually meticulous about keeping his room clean but had lately been more relaxed about it, and rather than becoming upset or frustrated, Sandy and Kirsten had bitten back the biting comments as they smiled to themselves, realizing that his subconscious need to have an impeccable room lest they get angry and throw him out had relaxed. Ryan finally felt accepted as one of the family. But now, nobody could bring themself to step foot in there anymore knowing that it would never be occupied by him again. And now, nobody could make themself clean it up, knowing that those items would never feel Ryan's touch again.  


* * *

A few nights after the accident, around eleven-thirty, Kirsten had been standing outside, gazing out at the view while drinking a cup of coffee silently and thinking about what she had lost when she heard muffled crying. Following the sound, she stepped to the door of the poolhouse and looked inside. Opening the door quietly, she peeked in, and saw in the corner a huddled, sobbing figure sitting alone in the dark. "Marissa?" Wild guess. Kirsten's response was a tiny gasp and frantic sniffles.

"I'm sorry, Kirsten..I didn't mean to disturb you..I know how hard this is for you guys right now." Marissa sniffled, wiping at her eyes.

Kirsten looked down at the heartbroken girl and sat next to her, putting her arm around Marissa's shoulders. "And we know how hard it is for you right now."

Marissa looked over at Kirsten, her beautiful sad eyes filling with tears once again. She rested her head on Kirsten's shoulder gently. "I just miss him so much..I don't know how I'll make it..How do you move on from something like this?" She asked softly.

"We have to realize that he would want us to be happy and not mope around over this. He wouldn't want you like this. He loved you, Marissa." The older woman stroked the girl's hair gently, comforting her slowly.

"Really?" Marissa lifted her head up to look at Kirsten straight on. "Still?" she sniffled.

**"Always." **Kirsten looked Marissa straight in the eye to let her know that she was telling the truth.

Marissa gave her a weak smile and a moment later, put her head back on Kirsten's shoulder. "I loved him, too." Marissa whispered. _"Still do."_ she added in her mind.

That night was the last night that Kirsten let herself think about what she had lost and the first time that she was grateful for owning a company like the Newport Group. Something to distract her. Perfect. Because she couldn't break down, she had to be strong. And she couldn't be strong if she allowed herself to think about the son she no longer set a place for at the table. It hurt just too damn much to think about. And accepting that it was true would make it real. So Kirsten lived in denial.  


* * *

Volchok was not a good person. He screwed around with drugs and drinking and girls and was used to getting his way. He had had a rough life and had grown to care about nothing more than parties, drugs, booze and getting some. And surfing. But that was it. And he was fine with that.

Until he met her.

Volchok knew he didn't deserve her. She was beautiful and smart and lonely and oh so wonderful and he wanted her so badly, but he knew he shouldn't have her. But he did anyway. He knew that some way or another, he would hurt her. He would damage her perfection. But he couldn't help it. He needed her. Like the drugs he gave her as he slowly watched her complexion fade and her face grow more gaunt, she was addictive.

Parties, drugs, booze. Marissa. The more time they spent together, the more he really did begin to care about her. So he had watched "The Sound of Music" because she loved it and he wanted to be able to talk to her about it. To share it with her. To see her face light up in surprise and happiness when he would tell her that he had watched her favorite movie, and maybe, just _maybe_, it wasn't _that_ bad.

He knew he would hurt her.

Volchok knew that Marissa could never love him. Not like she loved Ryan. Ryan would always be first in her heart. And most likely the only one in her heart. But he wasn't ready to give her up just yet. He was sure that if he could have her with him in Mexico, it would all be worth it. That if she wasn't around Ryan anymore, she would fall for him, too, and forget about Ryan. And Volchok wasn't a mushy lovey-dovey kind of guy. He wasn't a romantic. He knew that he didn't _love_ her. But he cared about her a heck of a lot. And he didn't want her to leave.

He knew he would hurt her. And he did.

God, he was so stupid for getting angry and getting carried away. But he lost it when he saw Ryan driving. He had known that they would wind up back together, but it hurt more than he expected. Ryan shouldn't be with Marissa. _He_ should be with Marissa. At least, that was how it was in his mind. And so, his anger got the best of him and he ran them off the road. But he really hadn't meant to.

He just wanted them to pull over. He just wanted to talk to Marissa. When he had seen them go over, he panicked and drove away in a fury. Heather was screaming at him and practically jumped out of the van when they passed the next town. He couldn't hear her frantic yells. Volchok was terrified, absolutely terrified, that he had hurt Marissa. That the one girl he cared about was hurt, injured, dead, because of him. But survival instincts are strong, and so he ran. He ran as fast as he could.

Volchok was not a good person. But he was a person. And the guilt was gnawing at his stomach, eating at him slowly. He hadn't hurt Marissa, but Ryan had died. He didn't really care that much that Ryan was gone, except he knew how much this was hurting Marissa. And that, in turn, hurt him.

Murderers have feelings too.  


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Please review! Again, sorry for how long it took to update!


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